Shame, Hope and Healing

This month, I feel a pull, a calling, an instinct—call it what you will—to explore with you the uncomfortable and sometimes debilitating impacts of shame. Some of the most empowering leadership work I’ve had the privilege to be part of has focused on the topic of shame and the gifts that come with its transformation. I believe it’s such a potent emotion to explore because, as much as most of us tend to look the other way and keep it quiet (Shh!), the truth is that on the opposite side of the door (or walk!) of shame is pure gold. It’s our ticket to growth, expansion, truth, and ultimately, our way back home—back to the truth of who we are, what we are, and our interconnectedness here on this spinning rock we call Earth.

Shame’s seeming objective is to disconnect us from that truth and feed us the lie that we are not good enough, not worthy, not lovable—fill in the blank. But from my experience working with brave individuals who dare to connect with their shame, I’ve learned that its true purpose is not to destroy but to lead us back to trust and truth. Like all unconscious programming, shame often starts when we are very young. For example, it can arise when we do something our caregivers or elders disapprove of. We pick up certain messages such as: we’re "too much," we’ve asked an "inappropriate question," or, as in one of my childhood memories, we are simply "wrong." Sometimes these are direct messages, but often they are what we make up in the moment—like when we see our carer frown, sigh, or yell.

I remember being 10 years old at school in my hometown of Peterborough, UK. My teacher, who had picked on one of my classmates for three months (until her parents complained to the school), suddenly turned her inner struggles onto me. I was figuratively kicked out of class every day for months. I was grateful that the whole class saw the injustice of it—they even used to guess how long it would take before I was told to leave the classroom and stand outside. The hardest and most cringeworthy part wasn’t being removed from my work and friends each day, but knowing that Miss Alison, the teacher from the opposite room, whom I really liked and admired, could see me standing outside through the glass doors. As I stood there, fending off the growing tightness in my gut, I imagined all the terrible things she must have thought about me. The truth was that I may have been caught chatting with a friend, or as I remember one time, adding up a sum while softly moving my lips, when I was suddenly yelled at to "get out!"

Looking back, it was not OK the way this teacher treated me, but the thought of my mum going to the school on my behalf, or me speaking up, filled me with dread—what I later recognized as shame. Even though I knew I wasn’t doing anything wrong, I still felt wrong.

The feelings of shame can get so buried and hidden in our psyche that they can be hard to locate. We often feed our shame by avoiding the feelings or engaging in behaviors that reinforce it…and round we go. We will do anything to avoid being seen in our shame, and that is often where secrets are born. Of course, shame doesn’t originate only from this lifetime; it is often passed down from previous generations (or lifetimes) before us. But with awareness and compassion, we can choose to do something different. We live in a time filled with resources to heal the shame that traps us. Instead of keeping these thoughts and beliefs stuck in our bodies, we can release them—and there are numerous ways to do so.

Invitations:

• Bring compassionate attention to your behavior around topics, conversations, or situations that trigger embarrassment or shame. Ask yourself: Can I bring compassion to myself here? Can I choose something different?
• Are there secrets that you are keeping? This isn’t about suddenly exposing the truth to everyone you meet—go gentle. Is there a truth that you are ready to share with someone you trust? It may feel scary, but are you ready to set yourself free?
• Can you build a relationship with shame? Write from the shame, paint the shame, sing the shame, or have a conversation with the shame.
• Surrender! Though it sounds simple, surrendering is a powerful technique. Hand over the problem (in this case, shame) to the universe, the earth, the quantum field, your ancestors, guides, love, energy, God or even the garbage can —whatever feels right for you!

This is warrior work, so be as kind as possible with yourself as you explore freeing yourself from the chains of shameful and incorrect beliefs. Remember that underneath the shame lies pure innocence and gold.

“Shame is the fear of disconnection.” - Brené Brown